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Amtrek Late-breaking News
Press Releases
Amtrek introduces a revitalized brand (July 6,2000)
Film footage reveals shocking truth about derailments (December 16,1999)
Amtrek unveils "Experience the Adventure" ad campaign (September 11,1999)
Toymaker to produce scale model of Crashela train (August 24,1999)
Amtrek celebrates eight years online!
Take a look at our original site, and you'll agree we've come a long way since the first, halting steps we took on the Web. Click here to display the one-page site Amtrek had back in August, 1996. (To return to this page, use your browser's "Back" button, or the links at the bottom of that page.)
Mail & Express Department wins another contract
New rail line constructed as part of a deal to carry Maine Potatoes. Read the full story.

Emergency personnel work cautiously to free an Amtrek passenger from a jammed vestibule door on the Suffering Crescent.

Emergency personnel work cautiously to free an Amtrek passenger from a jammed vestibule door on the Suffering Crescent.

A daring rescue
Emergency personnel responded Monday to the scene of a freak accident on the Suffering Crescent. A Guest, Andrew Bascule, had apparently attempted to hurry through a vestibule door as it was sliding closed. The door caught his leg and then jammed, trapping Mr. Bascule for over three hours. The story does have a happy ending, though. It was initially thought that the door would have to be cut apart to free the man. However, quick-thinking Fire Department personnel used the Jaws of Life to sever the Guest's leg and save the expensive door mechanism. The rescue workers were commended by Amtrek's Mechanical Services Department. They were presented with gold medals citing their outstanding bravery in rescuing the door. Mr. Bascule was compensated for his hardship with a coupon for $1.00 off a sandwich on his next Amtrek trip.

Female railfan discovered: Experts are amazed
Scientists were shocked to find what is believed to be the first ever female railfan. "This destroys every theory we've had about the species," said one anthropologist.
The woman, Cherl C. Alstom, 21, a swimsuit model and avid train watcher, was found lurking around Amtrek's Beach Cove maintenance shops with a camera and notepad. One witness heard her quoting from The Diesel Spotter's Guide. She was at first suspected of being a clever fake, but extensive clinical testing proved her to be an actual female and a timetable-carrying member of the railfan community. Ms. Alstom, 21, was able to answer a series of complex questions concerning the motive power roster of the Pennsylvania Railroad prior to 1950. She is also blond, slender and quite attractive. When not out railfanning or working as a swimsuit model, Ms. Alstom enjoys watching sports on TV and building super-detailed HO scale locomotives.

The discovery has stunned many. One man expressed surprise, commenting, "This means I have a chance at finding a girlfriend who won't make fun of me and my trains. An admittedly small chance, but still..."


Another milestone in Crashela development
October 3, 2000, marked an unusual anniversary for Amtrek's new high-speed train. Five
Crashela test sets have now been parked in Amtrek's 29th Street Station yard for one year. The trains are propped up on cinderblocks while the four-wheel "trucks" undergo the latest in a series of rebuilds. The anniversary is not without controversy. One local businessman - a used auto parts and scrap dealer - has complained that the trains are an eyesore. In a recent interview, Manuel "Scrappy" Rodriguez, owner of Scrappy's Auto Parts, called on Amtrek to remedy the situation. "Those broken-down Crashetta trains are driving people away from my business," said Rodriguez. "I'm trying to run a respectable junk yard, but when new customers drive up and see those train cars sitting on blocks in the yard next door, they think it's a rough neighborhood and split!" Other neighbors have similar complaints. Unified Sludge, a toxic chemicals disposal firm, has charged that the derelict trainsets are bringing down property values in the neighborhood.

Junked cars are piled high at Scrappy's Auto Parts

Junked automobiles are piled five high at Scrappy's Auto Parts. The business - located adjacent to Amtrek's 29th Street Station - is within sight of derelict Crashela test trains. Owner Manuel Rodriguez shrugs off a visitor's observation that his business has an oddly high concentration of classic cars. "Just a coincidence, I guess," says the modest Rodriguez.


An angry-looking older womanRail
Rage?




This caption doesn't really have anything to do with the article or photo. I just needed something to fill up space and kinda hoped that nobody would read this.
A demanding Guest disrupts service
Service on the Sunsweat Limited was delayed Tuesday when Mr. Tisdale Grammage, of Stratford-on-Brighton, England, began making unreasonable demands of on-board personnel. Mr. Grammage was witnessed by six other passengers as he confronted a Coach Attendant by asking, "Pardon me, my good man, but would you be kind enough to provide me a spot of help with my baggage? I'd be most appreciative of any assistance you might lend." According to the witnesses, Mr. Grammage then tipped his bowler. Coach Attendant Leshaun Williams was visibly shaken by the incident. "Dammit, we shouldn't have to put up with gestures and language like that," said Williams. "The job is stressful enough without these people expecting me to help!" Mr. Grammage was taken off the train in handcuffs by Amtrek Police and immediately deported. England's Queen Mother is expected to offer an official apology on Friday. The incident is only the latest involving belligerent guests. Last week, an 87-year-old woman asked for a pillow and a physically-challenged man requested help when boarding with his wheelchair.

Voluntary Recall Program
Amtrek is voluntarily issuing a safety recall for a toy distributed as part of a Kids Klub - Jolly Meal promotion. The recall involves a pull-toy named Trackie the Choo-Choo’s Candy Express. Trackie is Amtrek’s beloved trade character. In addition to being pictured in ads and on toys, he's known for public appearances where he teaches kids about the danger of playing around derailments. The toy being recalled includes a locomotive and four Express cars full of artificial candies that look and smell like real chocolate. Each artificial candy piece is wrapped in foil printed with the words “Mmm-mm. Yummy chocolate!” Unfortunately, the hard plastic pieces may pose a choking and tooth-breaking hazard.
Trackie the Choo-Choo
Other issues were considered prior to the recall. There are jagged, razor-sharp metal edges on every corner of the toy. Child safety experts fear the toy’s pull cord may put kids at risk of strangulation. (This hazard may be prompted mostly because the package itself pictures a child with the toy's pull cord wound playfully around his neck.) In addition, each toy comes wrapped in a dry-cleaning bag, which, according to some pediatricians, can lead to suffocation. Amtrek management delayed announcing a recall because these were all thought to be minor issues. The death blow for the toy finally came when Trackie's paint was discovered to be lead-based. For each toy turned in, Amtrek is offering a free Trackie the Choo-Choo Swiss Army Knife.

A large crowd of Amtrek's middle managers assembled in Washington, D.C.

This was the scene on June 18th as over one million Amtrek managers assembled by the Lincoln Memorial in Washington. They rallied to express their grief over two fallen comrades.

Million-Manager March
On June 18, one million middle and low-level Amtrek managers took to the streets in Washington, D.C. in protest. They spoke out against recent management downsizing that reduced their numbers from 1,000,150 to only 1,000,148. They also took time to remember their two comrades who were tragically felled by the May cutback. Addressing the crowd was Norma Jane Nuttman, Amtrek's Chief Facilitator for Paper Clip Procurement. She pointed to what she sees as a growing imbalance in the ratio of managers to underlings. "We are overwhelmed by the constant onslaught of non-management employees," said Ms. Nuttman, referring to the 20,003 drones under the command of her and one million other managers. "We must stand together to put an end to the senseless tragedy of layoffs that snuffed out two of our fellow managers." Ms. Nuttman symbolically lit two candles as a motorcade of Amtrek company cars rolled by. Two cars then peeled off in a missing-man formation. The management layoffs have reduced the manager-to-drone ratio from 50:1 to only 49.9999:1.

We deny it

Killer shrew

The non-existent shrews look similar to the one pictured here, but are rumored to be larger. Much, much larger.

Amtrek categorically denies the unfounded rumors that our sleeping car passengers are being terrorized by roving packs of killer shrews. These reports are totally unsubstantiated. The story probably originated in someone's overactive imagination and was then exaggerated by the media. We want to assure you that, even if a minor incident like this had occurred, it won't ever happen again. We promise. Even though we're certain it didn't. A team of specialists has been dispatched to investigate the cause of this non-event. However, we wish to emphasize that these huge, steroid-enhanced, radioactive, mutant killer shrews will not be seen on any of our trains.

A stunning surveillance video
Windows Media Player video (.avi file, 441kb)
QuickTime Movie (.mov file, 534kb)

Express shipments under attack

Amtrek Police have obtained proof that two major freight railroads launched a criminal plot to destroy Amtrek's burgeoning Express business. A stunning surveillance film shows that Suffolk Northern and PMS Corp fired tactical missiles against Amtrek Express cars. The weapons were apparently obtained as Army surplus. Both companies were in the news last year when they divided the assets of Rail Media logo eastern freight railroad Contrack. Amtrek's legal department has filed civil and criminal charges against the carriers.
For more good stuff, see the Late-breaking News ARCHIVE

Amtrek - Practice Makes Perfict

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