Question:
Does Amtrek allow any pets or cats?
Answer: Amtrek generally does not allow animals on trains or in
stations. One
exception is in the case of an Amtrek-approved assistance animal accompanying a
visually-impaired passenger. Another exception is on trains that feature our newest meal service, the
Authentic Gourmet Chinese Buffet. On trains that feature this most popular
dining experience, passengers are encouraged to bring dogs with them. The
highlight of the Authentic Gourmet Chinese Buffet is a competition in which passengers try to guess which meal was made from the canine they brought on
board. No prior notification is required. Those wishing to participate in the Authentic Gourmet Chinese
Buffet must simply turn the animal over to our
chef's assistant when boarding the train. At that time, you may specify any
seasoning or sauce preference you may have. (No MSG is used in the
preparation of pets.)
Occasionally, Amtrek
may introduce other specialty dining services in which your pet may play
an active role. For instance, the Silver Meat Eater currently
offers "Wild Card Friday" - a feature that gives exotic pets the
center spot in the dining car.
Trains offering only standard dining car
service are not equipped to carry dogs. However, they are able to accommodate pet
fish of any edible variety, such as tuna, salmon, trout or swordfish. Pet
lobsters are also welcome. (Drawn butter and bibs will be provided.)
Persons having religious convictions concerning the consumption of their pets
are advised to seek alternate modes of transport. Cats are not
allowed onboard under any circumstances.
Question: Why
doesn't Amtrek allow cats on its trains?
Answer: We don't like them.
Our thanks go to Mr. Steven W. Kay of the Lackawanna
Terminal Railroad
for his assistance in the development of Amtrek's pet policy.
Question: Does
Amtrek provide discounts for the physically-challenged or senior citizen?
Answer: Amtrek offers a 15% discount for the crippled. We may ask
for proof of disability unless, of course, we can tell just by looking at
you that you're handicapped. Wheelchair-bound passengers should be aware
that many all of our smaller stations have low-level
platforms and are not wheelchair accessible. To board at these locations,
you will be required to carry your wheelchair on board with you. We regret
we not able to provide assistance when boarding.
The elderly may apply for membership in our Golden Years Club. All Golden
Years Club members are entitled to complain long and hard to their
congressperson about Social Security and Medicare. Other Club benefits
include walking very slowly and going out for dinner at 4 in the
afternoon. To be eligible for Golden
Years Club membership, one need only admit to being old and infirm. (Persons who
describe themselves as being "80 years young" or "young at
heart" will be automatically disqualified.)
Amtrek's Disability
Access Policy was developed with the assistance of double-amputee Armand
A. Legg, who is a Public Policy Advocate with the American Association
for Disabled Americans.
Question: Are there
any discounts for folks who aren't old or feeble?
Answer: Normal persons may always
take advantage of discounts for membership in American Automobile Club and
Student Privilege. We also honor the West Bestern Hotel Traveler's
Advantage Discount Club Card.
Question: Nowhere on
this website does it tell me how to purchase tickets for Amtrek.
Answer: That was not actually worded as a question, but we'll do
our best to answer.
We at Amtrek would like to use industry-standard e-commerce procedures to
sell tickets directly from this website. Unfortunately, the Federal Railroad Administration
and strict Union work rules prohibit us from doing so. In addition, our
Webmaster's terms of parole prevent us from issuing tickets for trains
that do not really exist. There are other factors, too. Federal laws concerning fraud
and interstate commerce may - under the strictest interpretation - impact
us negatively in this area. (At least, that's what we've been told by the Justice Department, if you can believe them.)
And, finally, it becomes problematic for us to collect payment for non-existent
services without creating a trail that might lead to our eventual capture,
conviction and imprisonment for multiple counts of mail fraud, wire fraud,
and assorted other frauds. Therefore, until we've determined a way to
effectively insulate ourselves from prosecution, we must refuse all
monies.
Question: Do you
have a policy regarding refunds for unsatisfactory service?
Answer: Yes.
Question: These policies
seem, at first glance, quite ridiculous.
Answer: They are indeed quite ridiculous,
and not just at first glance, either.
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